BOOK ON LOVE

CHAPTER ONE

QUOTATION

Marriage is ordained for companionship and happiness. But some people struggle in the home because they were not wedded to suitable appropriate partners for life purpose.

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THE PERFECT HELP-MEET?

Some few years back, I got some quotations from a Christian book which outlined the qualities of a perfect help- meet.

 Hearing the phrase perfect help Meet, I knw your mind is already carrying placard and protesting " there is no perfect help-meet anywhere" 

Please permit, my unsual reasoning for the purpose of this write-up.

My definition of 'perfect help-meet'  in this context is  good, the best Help-meet a man can have.

This Book says a perfect Help-meet is a lady who does the following to her partner:

1. Shares his hopes, dreams and bear his hurts and frustrations. ( I replied in my heart- the woman na him 'Paid Shrink')

2. Brings him before God's throne in prayer every day)

3.  Put his sexual and emotional needs ahead  of hers ( I thought, woman dey enter oooo)

4.   Enable him become all God wants him to be and accomplish God's purpose

5. Have dinner ready whn he gets home

6. Encourage him to talk abt his life goals

7. Listen to him with undivided attention

8. Embrace his ideas enthusiastically

9. Respect him by how she talks to him and abt him before others.

 

Sincerely after reading all these attributes of a perfect woman by an American woman, I concluded that African mentality in marriage has obviously colonised this American woman. 

Then I remembered she is a christian and speaking from her understanding of God's perspective.

Some Christian relationships and marriages are not doing so well today because we erroneously and ignorantly believe that there is no sacrifice in marriage. 

Plsease. Note that lasting love is sacrifice from A-Z, for both the man and the woman. ( My findings from some married men and women)

The Bible says for God so loved the World that He sacrificed His only begotten Son. (Loved a world that wants nothing to do with him)

We praise  God for the feelings and 'goose pimples' that comes with falling in- love.

 I understand how  you can be  on 'Cloud 7' and want to move heaven and earth for  the source of this good feelings.

 But the married will tell you that those feelings may not always be there after a long time  marriage, they should be present but experience shows they are not always there.

 If you have the understanding that true love is about caring unselfishly for another person; about looking out for your beloved interest in all things,  you will do it. either you feel like it or not.

For those who have careers, businesses and ministries, you will agree with me that to make your business successful, you do all manners of legal things- make sacrifices, practise self-denials because there are many militating forces that wants thiese endeavours to fail.

Our marriages must be handled in the same light and manner, its childish to reasoned  that because you no longer have 'high feelings' of love, then you are no longer in love.

It means, the days you don't feel like going to the office, brushing your teeth, taking your bath etc, you don't do it.

Love is about giving your best in any relationship, its about making your partner happy and if carrying out the roles itemised in the perfect help meet attributes will help us achieve this, we must be ready to pay its price. I can tell you, you will not regret it.

I love children and enjoy being their best pal. Daily, I am learning their love language- the gifts, the sweet, the unsolicited hug, the deliberate compliments on their dresses, the gentle rebuke  make them seek you out in a crowd.

 It gives me tremendous thrill when they do that, so I use their Love language extensively. Its only one or two that have resisted inspite of the love language usuage. 

I know there are always exceptions to every rule but only a lunatic and demon possessed will reject kindness, generosity and I know you are not in a relationship with such. And if anyone situation in marriage is bad, l pray God will surely intervene.

Rekindle the fire in your relationship, activate the feelings of love again and sustain it by the  continually practise of the above mentioned with prayers and by faith in Jesus, your relationship will be  exceptional and exemplary.

QUOTATION

CHAPTER TWO

THE LOVE  THAT IS NOT PATIENT. 

WILL RUIN YOUR 

MARRAIGE RELATIONSHIP

Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.” Laban said,

Divorce is rapad  in the Society and becoming desirable by a few in The Church of Jesus Christ because we are not slow to anger and abounding in love. A man and a woman in a marriage relationship will always have flaws  in character .

Flaws in character  are actually deficiencies in a person through the spectacles of another person. What you consider to be a flaw in someone character,  maybe a strength in the view of another person.

A person believes in eating a large bowl of rice at one sitting because of the background, the other is trained to eat little at a time.  Therefore to the man who is trained to eat little ratio of food per time, his wife is  indiscipline in her eating habit because she is not trained to be like him 

The compromise In the marraige is for the man to teach the wife why small ratio of food is better that big ratio of food. The  insight and understanding gained on ratios of food will equipped the woman to adapt quickly to sound eating habits as her spouse 

Patient is the bridge that will carry the eating habits of the man and his woman from the inception of different eating habits to the destination of harmonised eating habit  of the couple.

Patient is needed in every aspect of the marraige. The difference between a man and his new bride may be noticed in  their spending habits, home making skills, attitude to loving -making, Religious beliefs. Some and all of these can become a major source of stress, unhappiness and tension in marraige 

Married couples must   understand that  the marraige ceremony and wedding night  made the man and the woman one flesh; but the  merging  of the soul, the synchronization of the spirit  and unity of ideology of both partners may take a longer period. it takes constant exposure to the Word of God and fellowship with each other  to arrive at the point where a man and his wife are ONE just as God, the Father and God, the Son are ONE 

One of the key attributes of  Love in 1 Cor. 13 is " Love is Patient  

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. " 1 Cor. 13:4-8.

TIPS FOR DEVELOPING PATIENT

1. Renew Your Mind.

Sincerely, renewal of the mind of the believer is the first step to becoming a person who is given to patience.. Statement such as listed below sound cool but are actually statement of a believer who has not submitted to the Law of the Spirit and is not yielding to the Life of the Holy Spirit within you.

*.  " I don't tolerant nonsense from people";

*.  " I don't like arrogant people". 

* " I am a person of principles and expect people to know what they are doing"

* " I don't have patience for slow people "

Galatians 5:22-26

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other..

The Holy Spirit is inside  every man and woman who believes in Jesus Christ. And that Holy Spirit has a personality that differs from your own natural personality. . The major reason for the life of Christ in you : The New Life you received at the New birth is so that there can be an exchange . You were crucified with Christ so that you can live his Life 

But we continue to live the natural life because we know but don't understand that the fruit of the Holy Spirit should become our New life 

We hide under the disguise and excuse of these personality weakness and strengths( I am Choloric, Sanguine and melancholy) and never embraced the Life of the Spirit within 

If you renew your mind by the Word of God and embrace the Life of the Spirit, the fruit of the Spirit will become your personality type and not your natural inborn personality .

Let me use my life as an example  For a very long time, l believed l was melancholy with a great measure of choloric personality type  And as long as l  believed that l  was Choloric and melancholy, l was always bossy and impatience with people flaws in especially in the area of working.

 I expected everyone to be given to work as myself.  Later l realised that  I developed choloric tendency because l had to take charge of my destiny at a very tender age. Thus l develop leadership tendency. It took a journey of self  discovery to know my true personality type.

But when l encountered the truth in Galatians 5 that some of the things  called flaws and personality weakness are actually works of the flesh. I find it easier to tap into the power of the Holy Spirit to change a lot  of the Character flaws and l am still depending on God for transformation through the renewing of my mind.

OTHERS ARE NOT YOU

In your eyes, , you are the best type of yourself that exist on planet earth. No one is exactly like you. Why this is true but it can also be a source of conflicts in any kind of relationship. 

We always want others to conform to the best version of our SELF.  Our expectation is that people especially our loved ones should always  reflect our own lifestyle, beliefs and personality or the personality of a higher human, we hold sacred in your  heart. You want people to become the Best version of you.

EVERYBODY CANNOT BE YOU, because God created each person uniquely with special features. If everybody talks and dress like you, then it means it is only your specie we need in the Universal. And everybody is created to be a copycat of YOUR HIGHER SELF.

Self love is good but learn to see yourself in the shoes of other people and through their life experience.. We are all products of our parenting, culture,  friendships, environment , thus the different mindset and culture. 

Even as believers though we have ONE LORD, ONE SPIRIT, And THE SAME WORD OF GOD, the 12 discioles of The LORD Jesus Christ differs in personality type just as their assigment differs.

WE CANNOT ALL BE YOU.

 Therefore consider that that guy or lady you met and want to spend the rest of your life with had spend at least twenty-years trying to be someone else and will need time to adjust to become the perfect picture of the bride and groom you have pasted on the hard drive of your mind.

If you have this mind set, tolerance of other people faults will always be easy for you.

CHAPTER THREE

PRINCIPLE OF LOVE IN MARRIAGE

ATTENTION 

Vashti was a very beautiful woman who obviously was greatly admired by the King her husband. He was so  proud of her that he wanted to show off her beauty to officials and people of his kingdom. It was his way of saying "see my treasured possession".

 But at that moment that the King needed her attention though it was for vanity " she was busy doing her own things" 

Attention is paramount in our relationship with God and even with our spouse. Attention is not that you are in each other company' 24)7, attention is that you carry each other in your most sacred place.: which is your heart and that affects your actions and reactions to each other.  Attention is you are available when he needs you;; he is available when you need him 

How do affairs start in the office. I have always worked in Christian organisations and as you know there are certain unwritten  code of conducts. And one of them is " Do not stir up love until it is desired". It means you don't go around giving attention to a brother or sister you do not intend to marry ( this is applicable for some church organisations that don't  believe in dating etc)

But l had an opportunity to work in a secular setting and l realised that it is a different ball game. If you focus your attention on the opposite sex, it is seen as your subtil way of saying, "l am into you or attarcted to you"

A husband giving attention daily to his wife can be expressed in his noticing her dress, the different hair styles, her countenance after office, her countenance when she walks up, even a change in her  responses to issues around the house. Giving attention is not just  the mighty things we do for our spouse but rather the attention you give to little details  to matters to them.

And it is something couples can practise deliberately and consciously. I tell you, it is not manipulative to be calculating about giving attention to your spouse.

You are deliverate about your investment, your ministry success, etc. You can be intentional and even employ strategies about your attention to God and your spouse. It is not cold-hearted 

Everything in the marriage must not be done spontaneously. Conscious attention to your lover can become spontaneous expression of love over time 

Recently, l was listening to a talk on relationship online and the speaker said our sex life can be pre-arranged  to days in the week. He said this allows couple to build up expectation, think of more exciting ways to give each other  pleasure and kind of make them deliberately think about each other often.

In the same vein, giving attention to your spouse, listening to their conversation during meal time, openingly gazing on them as they leave the bathroom, watching them deliberately as they walk into a room, intentional complimenting them is a good way of keeping the feelings in your heart warm and love making more exciting 

Solomon’s Song of Songs. 

" Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth— for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you! Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers." Songs of Solomon 1:1-2

The statements above seem like an extract from a secular novel and not from THE WORD OF GOD..

The statement about Isaac and his wife in the book of  Genesis 26 seem almost impossible.

"When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelek king of the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah. Genesis 26:8. 

The marriage institution is the legal vehicle where God has oradined that intimacy be expressed in different dimensions and spectrum. No wonder the relationship between the believer and Christ is liken to the relationship between husband and his wife 

But we must also note that what one couple may regard as giving attention may not necessarily be the definition given by another couple for the same issue. Therefore couples must learn not to compare their realtiinshio with that of others at all 

We are all unique because of training, background and mindset and don't see things from the same perspective and don't react to the same issue in the same way 

The LORD told Abraham to offer his beloved son and Abraham offered Isaac to God to show that he loved God above any other .

We must be ready to demonstrate our love for our spouse to that extent. When you become one flesh with another person, it means you are inseparable and if separation is to take place, three must be a tearing apart that will cause excruciating pains. 

This is why God says He hates divorce because divorce for any reason apart from marital unfaithfulness is like deliberately hurting the one you have promised to love forever. And even in marital unfaithfulness, that The LORD said is the only basis  that can be consider for divorce;, if the principle of forgiveness is employed, the marraige is still redeemable.

While Vashti failed to give the King attention when he demanded for it, Esther created opportunities to give the same King attention before his most trusted official .

We must learn to give attention to our spouse and even our God. Giving attention is saying " I VALUE YOU TREMENDOUSLY"

CHAPTER FOUR

ITS THE WILL OF GOD

NOT AUTOMATIC FOR SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Joy is a fruit of the Spirit and spontaneous while happiness on the other hand is dependent on certain factors and conditions.  Happiness  is defined as a state of utmost bliss, an emotion evoked by well being, success or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires: 

 While joy is a fruit of the Spirit, a gift from the Almighty and is available to any believer when it is needed, happiness on the other is a fruit of the soul which is dependent on positive feelings.  

Both joy and happiness is needed in the Christian home.“And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a second son.  And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher.” (Genesis 30:12-13 KJV). 

Leah was happy because her servant bore a second son for her husband. This high positive feeling was dependent on her desires been fulfilled.

 In the case of Paul and Silas, they had no reason for high excited feelings, yet they were singing hymns to God with excitement-that is the joy of the Spirit. Acts 16:22

Truly, no believer is expected to live strictly by feelings because they are not entirely dependable. You are not expected to only say “I love you”, “ï miss you” to your partner only when you have high feelings. You must learn to care for your spouse with enthusiasm whether you feel like it or not.

 God delights in the praise of His people and loves it when they serve him with gladness of heart. (Isaiah 58:14)  likewise Deut 24:5 shows that God desires happiness in the Christian home, our marriages should not just be endured for the sake of purpose, you must be excited about your partner for life. Proverbs 5:18, Eccl 9:9.

 The foundation for happiness in marriage is usually laid at the point of choosing a marriage partner. Who you marry will determine to a large extend the final outcome of your destiny.

While some Christians believe God is no longer involve in the choice of who you marry and that you make the decision by searching for a man or woman who suits your purpose and desires, 

The writer strongly believes that every single guy/lady must rely on the Holy Spirit in choosing a marriage partner, we cannot afford to rely on physical circumstances, financial status to make this crucial choice; for it takes only God and His discernment to know who is who in His Kingdom.

 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Furthermore,, a believer may be good in every ramifications but may not be the right marriage and destiny partner for you. I remember back them in school, a brother felt led to marry a sister in the fellowship but eventually, did pot proposed because he felt she was a “spiritual fanatic” Why? She was not putting on ear rings and trousers. I know the sister presently as she is into make- up and do trousers etc.

Am sure if the Brother had carried the Holy Spirit along, he would have seen through the eyes of the Spirit; five years later, the sister would become who he wanted as a wife. 

The writer knows that God has given every man the ability of free choice, but if you believe in Christ and understand the fact that the Almighty God is a loving Father, who knows all things and promised in Psalm 32:8 to guide the man who fears him in the way that is best for him, then you will depend on His guidance in the area of making marital choice.

 Therefore,  the principle of as many as are led by the Spirit of God is also applicable when making the choice of who to marry. 

But hearing God’s voice on who to marry is not a guarantee that such marriage will work. Even if you heard the direct voice of the Almighty telling you Mr. A is the ordained marriage partner of Miss B , this is not a sole guarantee that such marriage will automatically  work out fine, both partners must apply biblical principles for blissful marriage to enjoy its dividends.

Check out the case of Apostle Paul and Barnabas. The Holy Spirit spoke in Acts 13:2-4 “As they ministered to the Lord, and fasted, the Holy Ghost said, Separate me Barnabas and Saul for the work whereunto I have called them. And when they had fasted and prayed, and laid their hands on them, they sent them away. So they, being sent forth by the Holy Ghost, departed unto Seleucia; and from thence they sailed to Cyprus.

KJV

But this relationship initiated by the Spirit of Life hit the rock in Acts 15:16 through unmanaged family dynamics. So that you heard God’s voice when you proposed or that you heard God’s voice when you said yes to that proposal is not the only perquisite for “happily forever” unless, you deliberately sow seeds of love into the marriage, you cannot reap the fruit of happiness in the home.

The enemy attacks happiness in Christian marriage at weak moments, whenBut this relationship initiated by the Spirit of Life hit the rock in Acts 15:16 through unmanaged family dynamics. So that you heard God’s voice when you proposed or that you heard God’s voice when you said yes to that proposal is not the only perquisite for “happily forever” unless, you deliberately sow seeds of love into the marriage, you cannot reap the fruit of happiness in the home.

The enemy attacks happiness in Christian marriage at weak moments, when one or both partners are vulnerable and an aspect of the marriage had been neglected. Goliath was well protected excerpt the small part in his fore head where the stone from David hit.

QUOTATION

Marriage is ordained for companionship and happiness. But some people struggle in the home because they were not wedded to suitable appropriate partners for life purpose.

CHAPTER FIVE

A CAUSE OF UNHAPPINESS IN MARRAIGE: -UNGRACIOUS WORDS.

"When David returned home to bless his household, MICHAL DAUGHTER of SAUL came out to meet him and SAID,

 “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!”

 David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. 

I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.”

 AND MICHAL DAUGHTER of SAUL had no children to the day of her death.

Words are life. They either bring God's life into your marriage;  the life of your spouse and children or introduce  death into the marriage.

 Your words as a believer is a key that opens the door of your life and destiny to the Enemy; because the power of life and death are in the tongue.

The atmosphere in your marriage and home is regulated by the words and thoughts of both partners. If you learn to align your thoughts and words with scripture, you will have an atmosphere of God's presence in your home.

Though the foundation of David's marraige to Michal was on a faulty foundation; ( David used his anointing and gifts to behead the heads of the LORD's enemy  for the purpose of securing a bride price)  they both loved each other sincerely and passionately. 

Michal went against her father to preserve David's life. While David on the other hand was willing to delay his enthronement as king over Israel until Michal was restored to him.

But this wonderful story of love became  a marriage of contempt and despise because the wife could not control her tongue in a time of anger. 

Michal rebuked and spoke to King David rudely in publicly before the people at a period of national celebration. 

  Nothing kills love faster in the heart and happiness in the home than ungracious and unkind words. It can ruin the heart and damage  the emotions of your spouse.

While the event that caused Michal negative outburst last for just some few hours, the impact of her words on her relationship with her husband last throughout  her lifetime.

The Bible stated that Michal remained barren all her life. We can rightly conclude that this barrenness was not from God or as a result of her husvand- King David placing a curse one her.  Probably King David never had   any sexual relationship with Michal his wife till her death because of this single event. This was a self induced problem. Michal killed her husband's love for her because she did not honour him.

Unkind words are dangerous in relationship because while forgiveness may be received, the UNGRACIOUS words spoke may remain in the memory for a lifetime and it impacts enduring.

TIPS FOR SEASONING YOUR SPEECH WITH SALT

Words are the lubricants for the human soul and spirit. Cruel words can crush a man's soul. Verbal abuse is on the increase in Christian home and relationship and we must do all we can to curb this vice and enjoy bliss in our marriage.

1. Always confess daily that only gracious word proceed from your mouth.

2. Carefully monitor the thoughts you allow into your heart and mind,for negative thoughts about anybody are the propeller for ungracious words. Remember the enemy can inject negative thoughts into your mind. Letter to cast them out immediately.

3. Fill your mind with the Word of daily. Just as food is for the health of your body, spiritual food which is the word of God is for the health of your spirit and soul 

4.  Ask for the help of the Holy Spirit in guiding your thoughts and your mind and keeping the enemy out 

QUOTAION

God allows the imperfection in Humanity to be captured in His Word; (The Bible,) so that men/women can learn to accommodate and tolerant the flaws of others.

He that has not learn to overlook the mistakes and flaws  of their partners in marriage  will not enjoy the married life as God intended.

CHAPTER SIX